Giving It Up, for What?

Truth be told, I've never really liked kids all that much, but I gave up my career for my own.

I didn’t ever aspire to be a teacher, and I didn't care much for babysitting. I didn't even plan to have a family for years, because I was focused on establishing my career in engineering. But when I was about 28, I was suddenly afflicted with baby infatuation syndrome. And the more time that passed without a baby, the more infatuated I became. I blame this entire turn of events on Mother Nature, and she cannot be harnessed. It would have been prudent of Mother Nature to prepare me, even just a smidgen, for being a parent. For example, if I had grown up in a stable home with a model for how marriage works, that would have been helpful. Possibly a little more babysitting in my teenage years, or a child development course in college as training. But no, I've got nada.

But wait, I'm fairly well educated, so I must be somewhat prepared. I have a BS in Engineering Physics, and a MS in Computer Engineering, both from highly ranked universities. I worked my ass off for those degrees. No kidding, I sat on my ass at my desk for hours every day, chain smoking and studying the laws of quantum mechanics. For my Master's thesis, I patented a new method to stabilize infrared images on military helicopters. I've got skills, right? If I could work 10 - 12 hour days perfecting algorithms for tracking targets, what could possibly be more difficult than that? A kid, that's what. No amount of studying can prepare me for the next curve ball my kids will throw at me. I can get advice from friends, family and books, study all I can, but my kids will consistently strike me out with a challenge I'm not prepared for.

So why did I give up engineering to be a struggling full time parent? Guilt. I felt that my kids needed me. 24/7 guilt and responsibility. I didn't think much about what I should be doing for myself for many years. On the bright side, it's only been 7 years, and I'm definitely not having any more kids. It's time to think about my life again, and make something out of the few years I have left around here. My kids still need me, and of course I love them so deeply that they are still highest priority. I admit I'm irked a bit that they never say, "thanks mom, for giving up your career". In fact, Boy 1 has asked me straight up to go back to work like his friends' parents so he can have an iPhone. 

I often wonder, was it really worth it? It's too soon to say, but just today I accidentally super glued my finger to the dish brush, and I couldn't help but laugh at the symbolism. That little mistake, totally symbolic of the effect of resigning from my job 7 years ago. That's right, I gave up my career to be super glued to the dish brush.