6 Steps to Coerce Your Husband to Do Housework

Truth be told, I've spent way too many hours contriving methods to manipulate my husband to do more housework. I've racked my brain to understand why he doesn't grasp the complexities of loading the dishwasher. He is a mechanical engineer, after all. I've had conversations with myself about why he doesn't start folding the basket of laundry that I plopped down on the coffee table, right smack in his view of the TV. I would have discussed it with him, but he simply went to sleep. Men are always one step ahead of us, aren't they?

I even asked a licensed marriage and family therapist about this concern. I remember how wise this woman appeared, and I payed her to dispense morsels of information to me about how to train my husband. If I remember correctly, we spent hours discussing him, and she had plenty of seemingly brilliant ideas. The only trouble was, many of her secrets resembled the instructions the Wizard of Oz gave the Scarecrow. She was giving me confidence, and ideas, which was great. But did any of her "wisdom" change my husband? Hell no.

So here's the list I came up with myself, to coax my husband to help with an infinitesimal amount of housework:

Gettin' it done.

1. Have more sex. There's no surprise here. If you get turned on by him doing housework - he'll clean anything. If this fails, see #2.
2. Withhold sex. That's right, a man who's getting too much sex doesn't have to work for it. You know the old saying - he won't buy the cow if the milk is free. I hate that stupid saying, but it's true even in marriage.
3. Make him food he loves. To the heart via the stomach - and then tell him to do the dishes. If this fails, see #4.
4. Stop cooking. Don't cook or clean a darn thing. He'll notice, eventually. Even the most oblivious husband will notice you haven't cooked or done the dishes for a week. Tell him you're so tired, you're going to have to hire a housekeeper, and you just can't believe what they charge!
5. Give him explicit instructions. Don't make my mistake, which was to simply ask my husband to clean the toilets, and leave it at that. No, we must give them a step-by-step tutorial of exactly how this task is accomplished. Or else, a few days later you'll question why mold is growing in the toilet bowl, and he'll say, totally straight-faced, "I didn't think it was dirty."
   If this fails, see #6.
6. Let him do it his way. When his ego collides with his laundry aversion, you just have to set his mess free. So what if your kids' clothes are crumpled in a ball, put away in all the wrong drawers? My kids destroy any order imparted to their drawers anyway, and they could use a good hunt for misplaced clothing to make them appreciate the order and neatness only I bestow.

Now, if you are one of those moms who has her husband fully trained and you need no help on this front, that's great for you. I'd love to hear how you did it. And you should celebrate by eating a few pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Really, you deserve it.