I Have to Ask - Is This a Problem?

Truth be told, I've got this little addiction, and I'm not even sure if it is an addiction, and even if it is, I'm pretty sure it's not a problem. But it's one of those lingering questions.

It's the 2nd week of summer vacation - no wait, the 3rd week - and I've got a delicious crutch. I really didn't come up with this crutch on my own. I wouldn't have found it at all if it weren't for a Target checkout coupon; a real zinger - buy one get one free, Starbucks Frappuccinos. I'm deeply in lust with iced coffees and frappuccinos, and I've learned that my boys like them too - without the coffee. It sounds sacrilegious until you consider the 'buy one get one free', and then I'm sure you'll come around to sharing with the kiddos too. The thing I do realize about Starbucks coffee - it's way stronger than what I make at home. The drinks probably have 10x more sugar and caffeine than what I normally drink. Not to mention the whipped cream, which of course I would never have at home, but never turn down at Starbucks. When you are paying $4 for a small coffee, what kind of crazy person tells them to leave out the good stuff? I'm sorry, a "skinny coffee"? Not even in my vocabulary. Suffice it to say, after I drink a frappuccino, I am flying high. I could tackle anything. I could clean the bathrooms, wash the floor, give haircuts and a piano lesson, take a trip to Costco, weed the yard, and have dinner with the in-laws; all in succession. This coupon was a sweet find, especially since we get a new one every time we check out at Target.

So, I've used these coupons a few times. It was about the 3rd or 4th time around when I noticed I might have a little problem, but who's counting. I hadn't had lunch yet when we took our little jaunt to Target. Now, I am not a person who skips meals these days. I might have a light meal, but I'll always make up every meal by the end of the day, even if I have to eat my lunch in peace at midnight. So I dragged my son over to Target to pick up something, and I had one of these coupons (yeah, that's probably the real reason we went). I polished off about half of the frappuccino, we checked out and I knew I shouldn't finish it because I was getting a buzz. But I couldn't bear to throw away the remaining dregs so I stuck it into the refrigerator when we got home. I was so full of energy, I could easily get in a workout. I was lifting weights and spinning on the elliptical with some seriously unusual gusto. It wasn't until a couple hours later that I realized I hadn't had any lunch. Nothing. That frappuccino had been my meal. Yikes. And the really scary thing is, the next morning when I woke up, the first thing I thought about was that remaining swig of frappuccino left in the refrigerator. It was really good - even the next day - is that disgusting?

I started thinking this thing I have going with frappuccinos isn't a problem if I can make them at home, a little weaker and a tad healthier, so I found a couple recipes. And if I share great recipes and everyone else is drinking them too, I'm double-sure it's not a problem. A little disclaimer about my recipes in general - I like simplicity. I want something easy and fast, so there aren't any fancy ingredients or time consuming steps. (Unless you count waiting for coffee to chill, but I can do that while I do 513 other things.) So, if you have some favorite kitchenista ingredients, by all means use them!

First, you need cold coffee. This is made strong and sweetened, then refrigerated for a few hours. I keep a metal thermos in the door, so I can whip up an iced coffee in the afternoon.
COFFEE: Make double-strength coffee by brewing with twice the coffee required by your coffee maker: That should be 2 tablespoons of ground coffee per each cup of coffee. Stir in 1T brown sugar per cup while coffee is hot. Chill well before using.

Frappuccino Recipe
(makes 2 tall drinks)

3/4 cup sweetened double-strength cold coffee
1 cup milk
2T chocolate syrup
2 cups ice
To make drink, combine all ingredients in a blender and blend on high speed until ice is crushed and drink is smooth. Pour into two 16-ounce glasses, and serve with a straw.

Iced Mocha Recipe
(bonus - no blender!)

3/4 cup milk (use 2% or add a splash of half & half to skim milk)
3/4 cup sweetened double-strength cold coffee
2T chocolate syrup
crushed ice

You can adjust the sugar and chocolate syrup to your taste...I hope you enjoy!

Tips for New Parents

Truth be told, we all need a good laugh, and parenting is full of 'em.

The following passage from MountainWings.com is too funny not to share.

 Preparation for Parenthood  

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

 1. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

2. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1 a.m. Put the alarm on for 3 a.m. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2 a.m. and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 a.m. Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 a.m. Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. 

3. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

4. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

5. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

Excerpt from http://www.mountainwings.com/cgi-bin/hse/MountainWingsSearchEngine.exe?url=http://www.mountainwings.com/past/3064.htm;geturl=d+highlightmatches+gotofirstmatch;terms=parenthood;enc=parenthood;utf8=off;noparts#firstmatch

Making it Right for Kids

Truth be told, our children's future is in a vulnerable predicament, and we as parents are the only ones who can make it right. How's that for a cheerful icebreaker?

It’s not flashy or funny to read about what’s going wrong and what parents need to do to fix it, but the payoff is worth the agonizing effort. All the instant gratification of today isn't going to get us anywhere worth going, unfortunately. Who wouldn't prefer to live on take-out and trashy TV? I’d be okay with it. It takes so much work to get to a place where we want our kids to live in 20 years; maybe we have given up. We’re all tired, and I personally want to simply kick back on the beach and drink a tall glass of sangria. However, it feels like a pesky alarm is going off in my head - telling me to stand up and act on something I've been pushing out of my writing for a while. As it turns out, I’m already acting on it at home with my own kids, so I have some ideas to write about.

If you haven’t read Lisa Bloom's new book, Swagger: 10 Urgent Rules for Raising Boys in an Era of Failing Schools, Mass Joblessness, and Thug Culture, you should definitely peruse the excerpt. In her book, despite some dramatic and exaggerated examples, I found that I agreed with her fundamental points about the biggest fears in raising boys today: arrogance, apathy toward reading, and joblessness. It’s those three issues that I’ve been addressing with my own boys for years; and it’s always nice to find intelligent concurrence. Bloom also wrote a book about girls with a similar theme, and I'm guessing I'll be blogging about that one soon.¹ The diagnosis may be slightly different, but the problems are quite similar for girls, believe it or not.

Wait, our boys are arrogant? Gasp! Surely you watch the news, and you’ve seen video clips of boys not only taunting each other, but taunting adults. The latest viral video of the grandma being verbally assaulted on the bus made my skin crawl. Apparently, boys are brimming with such thug-like arrogance that they have no fear of the consequences for their appalling behavior. Taunting and bullying is not just happening on the bus, it’s prevalent in the social interactions among certain groups of boys everywhere they go. They tease and insult each other as a form of socializing. At times, I’m certain that there is actual hazing going on amid 10 year olds. It’s shocking and saddening to think that my sons had to learn “good insults” in order to fit in. What an oxymoron! (I had to explain that term to my son; I imagine he was hoping it was an insult.) How can we, as parents, allow our boys to behave this way? Certainly the only way kids change is if parents change how they are parenting. We can’t realistically expect the schools to change, or put the onus on anyone else. We the parents have the power, the motivation, and the stage to make a change in our kids.

When I didn’t like the direction I saw my boys going, I decided not to accept it. I took them off the school bus around the middle of last year, and you better believe that if I take an hour out of my day to drive my kids to and from school, something really disturbing is happening on that bus. I learned (from my kids) of behavior going on at recess that I would have been happier not knowing about, but at least we were talking and making changes. Interestingly enough, my boys aren’t trouble makers at school, they are good students. So why worry? I guess it’s just part of my job description. I started having lengthy discussions with my boys about how people are supposed to treat each other, with kindness and compassion. Even kids. Especially kids! We talked about Jesus, and how he was kind to everyone, and why.² We talked and talked, but it didn’t change the fact that a few of their friends can be arrogant jerks. And it didn’t change the fact that my boys still wanted to be friends with them. I suppose this is the epitome of parenting. We lead our kids down the right path, to a lovely garden with fresh clean spring water and delicious ripe fruit. And then we prepare for the likelihood that they would prefer to sit in a dirty movie theater, eating Twinkies with jerks. 

I still have a goal to squelch that arrogance in my boys. It’s a sizable goal, because my boys are loaded with smart remarks and an apparent feeling of entitlement. Of course I want them to be confident and secure, but I also strive to instill humility and a respectable work ethic. I've told my kids they are not allowed to address an adult by their first name, they must always precede names with Mr., Ms. or Mrs. I remind them often to use Sir or Ma’am. Of course they complain, “But no one else does! We look stupid!” We could not care less what everyone else does, we want polite kids. (And if that makes them look stupid, then they’re with the wrong crowd anyway.) I tell my boys to say please, thank you and sorry so often, they probably mumble it in their sleep.

I've also drawn on an abyss of patience in order to have my kids chip in with chores. Sure, I could have unloaded the dishwasher twice as fast as the kids, but they need to learn to help out. When I'm washing windows, I certainly could get them cleaner faster by myself, but then what would the kids learn? Vacuuming, dusting, making beds , pulling weeds - women’s work? I don’t think so! We intend to put these boys to work. Honestly though, we have it pretty easy. What about the families with two working parents, whose kids are in daycare and after school care? What if that family hires a housekeeper and lawn service, and doesn't have time to instill a work ethic in their kids? It's a huge problem for those kids, I hate to say. I think they are missing out. Not having a job to do while growing up translates to not finding a job when grown. It’s absolutely essential that kids do daily chores, and work a low wage job in high school and college.  They’ll gain priceless ambition from busing those dishes, just like many of us did when we were growing up.

On to the final fear about our boys:  apathy toward reading. Do my boys like to read? Sure they do. We have loads of books from the library, and locating every book we have on loan sometimes feels like a never-ending treasure hunt. But let’s talk about what they are reading, because that’s where it gets dicey. Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Calvin and Hobbes comic books do not make a well-read kid. But what if those books are all a boy is interested in reading? What if we as parents don’t have the time to sit down and read books by Roald Dahl or Charles Dickens to our kids? Then what? I bet you have a little time. Make the time to read classics to your kids. Really, if you have time to watch Real Housewives of Obnoxious Hell, or if you have time to go golfing, you have time to read decent books to your kids. Start with just an hour a week, as if their future depends on it. If the boys are too old to be read to, it’s time for some serious slashing of video game time. Those video games are a powerful bargaining tool, so use them to make those darn boys read.

I believe we can turn this around for our kids. It just takes a little work, and a comparatively small time investment. Tell your kids, "what you say matters, what you do matters, who you are matters."³ But if this downtrend continues, the backup plan at our house is to take our boys and our fishing poles to Montana and never come back. I sure hope it doesn’t come to that, because cleaning fish is even more miserable than reading Steinbeck to my kids.

Endnotes

¹ Bloom also wrote a book about the current perilous situation of our girls! I know the anticipation is killing you. She published in 2011:  Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World. I intend to address the cases she made therein very soon. Here is a short sample of Bloom’s cited data from an Oxygen network survey:  “Twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America’s Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Twenty-three percent would rather lose their ability to read than their figures."  Good Lord, my skin is crawling again.

² Yes – I played the religion card. Don’t get offended if it’s not your own. My point is that we need to use every means available in our knowledge arsenal to guide kids down the right path. If your religion is encouraging kids to do the right thing – it’s good by me. Lisa Bloom has great ideas, even thought she is a Reconstructionist Jew.

³ From Perspectives: Interview with Lisa Bloom. Brotherwatch.com, December 2003.

Multitasking Ninja Moms

Truth be told, moms have astounding multitasking skills, especially at meal time. I mean skills that rival a ninja warrior, and we don't even need swords. Tonight, I did 8 jobs during dinner, in the span of 15 minutes. Have you ever had dinner with your family while you potty trained your kid, cleaned the house, gave a botany lesson, and mediated a free trade dispute? If you're a mom, you have. And I think we moms deserve an award for this mammoth skill.

Here's a list of what I did at dinner tonight, because I want credit where it's due:

1. Helped my 3 year old wipe his butt and wash his hands. In the bathroom of course, meaning I had to leave the table for this one.
2. Mopped up Boy 3's cup of milk, which spilled on the table, and splashed on the window, floor and walls. See what happens when mom leaves the table?
3. Looked at husband's pictures taken on his phone of something I couldn't decipher on the tiny screen, but I nodded and told him, "that looks great, honey!"
4. Mediated a heated debate about whether Boy 1 could pay Boy 3 a dollar to eat his vegetables, or if they could trade vegetables, and if so, do potato chips and carrots have equal trading value?
5. Educated Boys 1 and 3 that potato chips do not qualify as a vegetable. Without thinking, I added a side note that tomatoes, green beans, and peas are not botanically vegetables either. This was shocking and welcome news to the kids, as you can imagine. And that will teach me for educating the darn kids.
6. Solved the urgent dilemma of a 2% milk shortage by adding a dash of half and half to the skim milk. I should have just wrung the sponge into the cup when I was cleaning up that spill earlier! I would not really do that. Unless, maybe if it was a new sponge, and I was really desperate.
7. Washed the floor, walls, and window that were sprayed with milk. Several washings were required; this is exactly why a mom's ninja speed is such a hot commodity.
8. I don't think I ate, but I did manage to finish my wine. You're damn right wine is on the list.

I'm already looking forward to my sequel post: Why it's Okay to Eat 1,000 Calories at Midnight.

What unexpected ninja jobs have you done while having dinner with your family? Please do share in a comment!

6 Steps to Coerce Your Husband to Do Housework

Truth be told, I've spent way too many hours contriving methods to manipulate my husband to do more housework. I've racked my brain to understand why he doesn't grasp the complexities of loading the dishwasher. He is a mechanical engineer, after all. I've had conversations with myself about why he doesn't start folding the basket of laundry that I plopped down on the coffee table, right smack in his view of the TV. I would have discussed it with him, but he simply went to sleep. Men are always one step ahead of us, aren't they?

I even asked a licensed marriage and family therapist about this concern. I remember how wise this woman appeared, and I payed her to dispense morsels of information to me about how to train my husband. If I remember correctly, we spent hours discussing him, and she had plenty of seemingly brilliant ideas. The only trouble was, many of her secrets resembled the instructions the Wizard of Oz gave the Scarecrow. She was giving me confidence, and ideas, which was great. But did any of her "wisdom" change my husband? Hell no.

So here's the list I came up with myself, to coax my husband to help with an infinitesimal amount of housework:

Gettin' it done.

1. Have more sex. There's no surprise here. If you get turned on by him doing housework - he'll clean anything. If this fails, see #2.
2. Withhold sex. That's right, a man who's getting too much sex doesn't have to work for it. You know the old saying - he won't buy the cow if the milk is free. I hate that stupid saying, but it's true even in marriage.
3. Make him food he loves. To the heart via the stomach - and then tell him to do the dishes. If this fails, see #4.
4. Stop cooking. Don't cook or clean a darn thing. He'll notice, eventually. Even the most oblivious husband will notice you haven't cooked or done the dishes for a week. Tell him you're so tired, you're going to have to hire a housekeeper, and you just can't believe what they charge!
5. Give him explicit instructions. Don't make my mistake, which was to simply ask my husband to clean the toilets, and leave it at that. No, we must give them a step-by-step tutorial of exactly how this task is accomplished. Or else, a few days later you'll question why mold is growing in the toilet bowl, and he'll say, totally straight-faced, "I didn't think it was dirty."
   If this fails, see #6.
6. Let him do it his way. When his ego collides with his laundry aversion, you just have to set his mess free. So what if your kids' clothes are crumpled in a ball, put away in all the wrong drawers? My kids destroy any order imparted to their drawers anyway, and they could use a good hunt for misplaced clothing to make them appreciate the order and neatness only I bestow.

Now, if you are one of those moms who has her husband fully trained and you need no help on this front, that's great for you. I'd love to hear how you did it. And you should celebrate by eating a few pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Really, you deserve it.

Overwhelmed into Oblivion

Truth be told, I have been so overwhelmed by my mom-of-four-boys gig that my brain checked out and the police had to intervene. It sounds more scandalous than it was, but keep reading anyway.

It happened today when I was driving home from church with 3 kids; that sounds harmless doesn't it? (Husband and one son weren't with us, because they went out to brunch with Grandpa for Father's Day.) So, as I pulled out of the church parking lot, I noticed there was a police car going in the same direction. Not really noteworthy, but I did see him.

I was thinking as I was driving about what methods I was going to use to punish my kids for their terrible behavior at church. You see, I had volunteered to lead my 3 year old's class, with my 10 year old as a helper. And due to shortage of time and miscommunication, my 5 year old had ended up in the room with us as well. So it was me, three of my boys, and eight adorable 3 year olds who don't belong to me. This would be no problem if the 10 year old stepped up his game and entertained the kids. Not a problem if the 5 year old behaved himself and set a good example. And again, not a problem if the 3 year old behaved as well as he usually does, when he has a different teacher. But today...I was fresh out of luck and loaded with problems. My kids were not interested in helping out unless I was nagging. I told the bible story, we did the art project, it went just fine, but I felt like I was on my own and begging my kids not only to help out, but to behave. Suffice it to say, by the end of this morning, I was tired and crabby and I wanted to kill my kids. Of course I don't usually get what I want, so I had to come up with a more thoughtful punishment for them.

Their punishment was exactly what I was thinking about as I was careening down the road, right past a police car doing the speed limit. When I saw the lights flashing in my rear-view mirror, I actually thought, "Hey, isn't that the cop who was in front of me a minute ago? .... Wait, he's pulling me over?" Good God, Mrs. Oblivious. He informed me that he had flipped on his radar when I whizzed past him and clocked me going 60mph in a 50mph zone. You know what I was thinking when he strolled back to his squad car with my license in hand? I was thinking, "like hell if I am ever volunteering at church again". Not that it was the church's fault, obviously. I was overwhelmed by my own doing, and now my anger wasn't just at my kids, it was at myself. I was going to pay a huge fine and my insurance rates would go up. So many swear words were bouncing around inside my head I'm pretty sure there was an audible buzz.

So imagine my shock when the officer gave me a warning, and said I should "pay attention". Yep, snapped out of oblivion, thank you sir. I had plenty of time while waiting for my ticket to finish up the punishment plan for my kids. Now I planned to pay full attention to my speed for the remainder of the drive home. In case you are curious, the kids had to sit down at the table and write sentences about their behavior, and how they would change it next time. I'm pretty sure after a boy writes "I will behave at church" a hundred times, he'll remember it. We'll see.

As for me, I was thankful to have a reminder to pay attention, and not get that dreaded speeding ticket. It's hard not to get overwhelmed by this chaos, but preventing the shift into oblivion is definitely something I can work on.

Respect this Job

Truth be told, a stay-at-home mom would rank dead last on one of those occupation comparison charts.

Why? It's all about the money. I mean really, when you start doing the math, we moms are losing out, and big time. Think solely of the retirement savings I sacrificed by giving up my full-time salary for 10 years. Had I stuck with my career, I would now have an additional $200k in my retirement account. In another 10 years, it would be half a million. Doesn't it sound like an extreme risk to my future to lose that large a sum of dough? Am I counting on my husband's retirement and earnings to make up for mine vanishing? I suppose so, and that doesn't make me feel one iota better about it.

I don't even care for that term"stay-at-home mom", it gets under my skin. But the word that really makes me squirm is "housewife". When my dad wrote that as my occupation on a bank form a few years back, I felt so low I knew I couldn't devote my life to being just a "housewife". Why? I must be letting the low value society puts on the job smother my own judgment. It's not respected to be a housewife. But when I think about all the jobs I'm doing during the day, and I know I am far from lazy or idle, I value my job very highly. When I think about my grandmas, who were housewives, I respect them very much. But I'm not proud to tell anyone that I'm a housewife. Conversations usually drift to my hobbies, because what is there to say about being a housewife?

Here's what I can say about being a housewife:  I'm a piano teacher, a math tutor, a baseball trainer, a counselor, a nurse, a barber, a housekeeper, a cook, a seamstress, a mechanic, a gardener, a driver, a teacher, a swim instructor, a mom and a wife. How much is that worth? It's priceless.

Giving It Up, for What?

Truth be told, I've never really liked kids all that much, but I gave up my career for my own.

I didn’t ever aspire to be a teacher, and I didn't care much for babysitting. I didn't even plan to have a family for years, because I was focused on establishing my career in engineering. But when I was about 28, I was suddenly afflicted with baby infatuation syndrome. And the more time that passed without a baby, the more infatuated I became. I blame this entire turn of events on Mother Nature, and she cannot be harnessed. It would have been prudent of Mother Nature to prepare me, even just a smidgen, for being a parent. For example, if I had grown up in a stable home with a model for how marriage works, that would have been helpful. Possibly a little more babysitting in my teenage years, or a child development course in college as training. But no, I've got nada.

But wait, I'm fairly well educated, so I must be somewhat prepared. I have a BS in Engineering Physics, and a MS in Computer Engineering, both from highly ranked universities. I worked my ass off for those degrees. No kidding, I sat on my ass at my desk for hours every day, chain smoking and studying the laws of quantum mechanics. For my Master's thesis, I patented a new method to stabilize infrared images on military helicopters. I've got skills, right? If I could work 10 - 12 hour days perfecting algorithms for tracking targets, what could possibly be more difficult than that? A kid, that's what. No amount of studying can prepare me for the next curve ball my kids will throw at me. I can get advice from friends, family and books, study all I can, but my kids will consistently strike me out with a challenge I'm not prepared for.

So why did I give up engineering to be a struggling full time parent? Guilt. I felt that my kids needed me. 24/7 guilt and responsibility. I didn't think much about what I should be doing for myself for many years. On the bright side, it's only been 7 years, and I'm definitely not having any more kids. It's time to think about my life again, and make something out of the few years I have left around here. My kids still need me, and of course I love them so deeply that they are still highest priority. I admit I'm irked a bit that they never say, "thanks mom, for giving up your career". In fact, Boy 1 has asked me straight up to go back to work like his friends' parents so he can have an iPhone. 

I often wonder, was it really worth it? It's too soon to say, but just today I accidentally super glued my finger to the dish brush, and I couldn't help but laugh at the symbolism. That little mistake, totally symbolic of the effect of resigning from my job 7 years ago. That's right, I gave up my career to be super glued to the dish brush.

The Weekend "Vacation"

Truth be told, vacations are not happening with little kids in tow. Pretend you're going on vacation, brag to your friends about what a lovely time you had ,and how well behaved your kids were all you want, but I don't believe a word of it. 

The Social Network Status
“What a weekend! It was a beautiful vacay at the cabin, fishing and boating in the sun, and relaxing with the kids and friends. Wish the weekend wasn’t over. “

The Translation
Oh, I’m sure the “relaxing with the kids” phrase tipped off some moms straight away. Relaxing with my kids? Relaxing with 4 boys under 10 years old? Were they unconscious, or was I?

What a weekend. I applied sunscreen to whining, moving kid-targets 43 times and not once to myself. Hello wrinkles and sunspots.  I helped Boy 4 in and out of the house 400 times to go potty. I wished I could have planted my ass in the sand and drank a cocktail, but I got sand thrown in my face and my drink. Sat momentarily to wolf down my lunch, right as Boy 3 dropped his and shattered the bowl. Hoped for some peace while husband took 2 kids sailing, but instead spend the entire half hour praying that the kids wouldn’t get knocked out of the boat by the boom of the main sail. Busted my butt grilling dinner for friends, but didn't get to eat it until it was cold.

We stopped on the way home from the lake for an iced coffee and shakes (anticipating that sugar and caffeine bomb had kept me going all afternoon), but then accidentally dumped it on the floor of the car while pulling out of the drive-thru. Rescued only half the iced mocha, so the scent of it permeating my carpet would have to do. We told the kids to be quiet about 94 times, while my husband and I tried to have a conversation about a topic I can’t remember. I’m pretty sure we were talking about the kids, because what else would we have to talk about? At least we gave each other a hug before he collapsed, snoring on the couch. I stayed up until the middle of the night unpacking from our glorious vacation.

Thank God this little weekend vacation is over, because I need a rest. Monday morning never looked so good. Oh, wait. It’s summer vacation – there will be no rest or relaxation for me tomorrow. Crap.

Torching the Plan

Truth be told, there are days when one plan after another goes up in flames. And that's a pretty normal day.

Every active mom knows this – we feel more in control when we have a plan. So we make plans and lists and we make lists of what needs to be on our plan and then we make plans to have time to work on our lists.  Having stayed home with my kids for the duration of the summer, my summer plan is  more complex than the designs for a night vision system for military aircraft. (Trust me I know, but I’ll digress on that another day.) My plan for this summer is so well thought-out, it’s kept me up at night. And I will pretend (with award winning mom amnesia) that my reality is everything I wanted and contrived from the very start. By the time summer is over, I’ll be so exhausted it won’t matter anyway.

I know I can’t be alone in this inherent defect in my plans, but I’ve encountered very few moms who will admit to having the same problem with their plans. Are other moms so much more intelligent and competent than I, that their family executes their perfect plans without a hitch? Do they live in a household of blissful helpers and total agreement? Say it isn’t so and let's open a bottle of wine.

Here's the plan:
First day of summer vacation and the weather forecast is hot. I’ll take all 4 kids to the swimming pool, and let Boy 1 and Boy 2 invite a couple friends. I’ll relax on a chair for at least a few minutes while keeping an eagle eye on them splashing and burning off boy-energy. I’ll bring enough sunscreen, snacks and cold drinks to keep them there for a few hours. By late afternoon they’ll be so tired, they’ll come home and rest quietly while I squeeze in an industrious workout. I’ll take my oldest son to his baseball practice with the freshly rested troops in tow, and then dinner with the husband. Easy peasy.


And the execution:

The weather forecast was wrong! It’s too cold for the pool, and now the friends who were coming over aren’t coming! Let’s face it, 6 boys running around the house is no good for my nerves and definitely not part of my plan anyway. Now what?  This is why plans need back-up plans. We’re heading to Best Buy. And here’s the brilliant hook – we’re getting a cell phone for THE KIDS. Yep, that’s right, a cell phone for them! Their very first one! When Boy 1 and Boy 2 want to bike to their friends’ houses, or the playground or Dairy Queen, they can call me to check in. Think of all the freedom they will have! Think of all the peace I will have! The kids pile into the car faster than monkeys running to a banana tree, and with a similar level of civility. We’re off!


We’re shopping for a cheap, no contract, no data, and not fancy phone. Just the bare essentials, ma’am. And this is one plan of mine that’s not changing. While I’m discussing rates and expiration dates with a store expert, the kids are looking at an iPod 4S. They are not happy with my no-frills phone choice, and I could not care less. I’m barraged with incessant complaints about how stupid the phone I’m getting is; all their friends have iPhones, and this one is just embarrassing. I quickly pull out a pack of bubble gum and silence their ungrateful little mouths. We get the phone set up and leave. The next plan is to go out to lunch, because I’m feeling faint from hunger and whining.

I cave and let the kids get soda. How much complaining can one mom stand to listen to in a day? There should be a law allowing timeouts with taped mouths during the first week of summer vacation. As soon as the food is brought to the table, Boy 4 dumps his drink on his lunch. A big drink. Luckily we’re at Noodles, which has semi-fast service and a soda fountain. Unluckily for our current situation, they don’t have a stash of napkins anywhere in sight. But, I quickly remember I carry a washcloth in my purse! So mopping up 16 oz of disturbingly orange pop before it’s all over the kids and their clothes is no problem. The disaster is quickly fixed right up and I thoroughly enjoy eating two bites of my lunch while calmly instructing the kids to sit down, don’t spill their food or eat it off the floor, and stop yelling at one another. Oh well, I’ll just box it up and eat my lunch when I’m supposed to be working out. Will the kids take naps anyway, after drinking all that soda? Not likely.

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