Torching the Plan

Truth be told, there are days when one plan after another goes up in flames. And that's a pretty normal day.

Every active mom knows this – we feel more in control when we have a plan. So we make plans and lists and we make lists of what needs to be on our plan and then we make plans to have time to work on our lists.  Having stayed home with my kids for the duration of the summer, my summer plan is  more complex than the designs for a night vision system for military aircraft. (Trust me I know, but I’ll digress on that another day.) My plan for this summer is so well thought-out, it’s kept me up at night. And I will pretend (with award winning mom amnesia) that my reality is everything I wanted and contrived from the very start. By the time summer is over, I’ll be so exhausted it won’t matter anyway.

I know I can’t be alone in this inherent defect in my plans, but I’ve encountered very few moms who will admit to having the same problem with their plans. Are other moms so much more intelligent and competent than I, that their family executes their perfect plans without a hitch? Do they live in a household of blissful helpers and total agreement? Say it isn’t so and let's open a bottle of wine.

Here's the plan:
First day of summer vacation and the weather forecast is hot. I’ll take all 4 kids to the swimming pool, and let Boy 1 and Boy 2 invite a couple friends. I’ll relax on a chair for at least a few minutes while keeping an eagle eye on them splashing and burning off boy-energy. I’ll bring enough sunscreen, snacks and cold drinks to keep them there for a few hours. By late afternoon they’ll be so tired, they’ll come home and rest quietly while I squeeze in an industrious workout. I’ll take my oldest son to his baseball practice with the freshly rested troops in tow, and then dinner with the husband. Easy peasy.


And the execution:

The weather forecast was wrong! It’s too cold for the pool, and now the friends who were coming over aren’t coming! Let’s face it, 6 boys running around the house is no good for my nerves and definitely not part of my plan anyway. Now what?  This is why plans need back-up plans. We’re heading to Best Buy. And here’s the brilliant hook – we’re getting a cell phone for THE KIDS. Yep, that’s right, a cell phone for them! Their very first one! When Boy 1 and Boy 2 want to bike to their friends’ houses, or the playground or Dairy Queen, they can call me to check in. Think of all the freedom they will have! Think of all the peace I will have! The kids pile into the car faster than monkeys running to a banana tree, and with a similar level of civility. We’re off!


We’re shopping for a cheap, no contract, no data, and not fancy phone. Just the bare essentials, ma’am. And this is one plan of mine that’s not changing. While I’m discussing rates and expiration dates with a store expert, the kids are looking at an iPod 4S. They are not happy with my no-frills phone choice, and I could not care less. I’m barraged with incessant complaints about how stupid the phone I’m getting is; all their friends have iPhones, and this one is just embarrassing. I quickly pull out a pack of bubble gum and silence their ungrateful little mouths. We get the phone set up and leave. The next plan is to go out to lunch, because I’m feeling faint from hunger and whining.

I cave and let the kids get soda. How much complaining can one mom stand to listen to in a day? There should be a law allowing timeouts with taped mouths during the first week of summer vacation. As soon as the food is brought to the table, Boy 4 dumps his drink on his lunch. A big drink. Luckily we’re at Noodles, which has semi-fast service and a soda fountain. Unluckily for our current situation, they don’t have a stash of napkins anywhere in sight. But, I quickly remember I carry a washcloth in my purse! So mopping up 16 oz of disturbingly orange pop before it’s all over the kids and their clothes is no problem. The disaster is quickly fixed right up and I thoroughly enjoy eating two bites of my lunch while calmly instructing the kids to sit down, don’t spill their food or eat it off the floor, and stop yelling at one another. Oh well, I’ll just box it up and eat my lunch when I’m supposed to be working out. Will the kids take naps anyway, after drinking all that soda? Not likely.