How Long can We Postpone Awkward?

Truth be told, we'd postpone the awkward sex talk with our oldest until he's beyond drinking age if we could. The school is pushing us off the cliff on this one.

So this week the 5th graders have sex education at school. Can you imagine sitting down with not just your own 11 year old, but a whole room full of them, and explaining sex in graphic detail? I cannot. And that's probably why I haven't fulfilled my parental duty on this topic. Plus there are at least another 101 reasons I can pop off, just off the top of my head:

• He's only 11!
• He can't even watch PG-13 movies without an adult.
• He's not in puberty.
• He only thinks about video games and building robots. (When his robots start having sex we'll talk to him, I promise.)
• Aren't boys supposed to have the sex talk with their dads?
• Wouldn't it make more sense to have sex ed. after he's actually started thinking about sex? (I will know when he starts thinking about sex - I change his sheets.)

Of course I know there are responsible parents out there who feel it's important to discuss sex with kids before they start thinking about it and hear about it elsewhere. Because we want them to get the truth from us first. But I say smother them with family values, religion and fear. Then we'll put them in a bubble without internet, and surround the bubble with eagle-eye chaperons and bright lights. Problem solved.

And how about this:

Family values like, you can't be a good father in a family if you haven't got a decent career path. No sex until you are finished with college!

Religious values like, God says no sex until you are married. And if you disobey God on this one, he might punish you by making you unable to have sex forever. You just never know what God might do - don't test him.

Fear of diseases, including side effects like death, dismemberment and permanent paralysis. I read on the internet that you can end up with a total-body maggot-infestation. (My sources are confidential.)

I just don't buy into the philosophy of "education over fear" when it comes to sex and teens. When hormones rev up, no amount of education is going to dissuade most of them. Fear tactics might be shameful, but they also might be more effective. 

To appease the intellectuals, I'll get behind the value of a thoughtful education. Like teaching your kids actions, ideas and words to get out of "doing it".  (see below)

So that's settled. No sex for anyone. Well. No one under the age of 21. No... 25. I'll draw up specific terms of the contract tomorrow.



Here are some great conversation starters and ideas - kudos to Family Circle for this article.

Scenario #1: Your Daughter, Her Boyfriend

He says: "If you really loved me, you'd have sex with me."
She responds: "If you loved me, you wouldn't push me to do something I don't feel comfortable doing yet."

He says: "Everybody's doing it."
She responds: "No, they're not. It just seems like it because they talk about it to impress their friends and fit in. The majority aren't doing it."

He says: "I'll die if I don't have sex."
She responds: "No, you won't. People live for years without having sex." (Or, "Well, you seem to have lived just fine up until now without sex.")

He says: "Have sex with me or I'll find someone else who will."
She responds: "Now I know how little you care about me."

Scenario #2: Your Son's Overly Enthusiastic Male Peers

His friends say: "You still haven't had sex? There must be something wrong with you."
Your son answers: "What's the big rush? It'll happen when it happens."

His friends say: "You don't want to get laid? You must be a wimp."
Your son answers: "I'm just not into doing things because everyone else thinks I should or because they have. That's being a wimp."

His friends say: "Sex is fun! Go for it!"
Your son answers: "A few minutes of pleasure are not worth 18 years of responsibility."

His friends say: "You're missing out."
Your son answers: "I already have acne; I don't need herpes."

Scenario #3: Your Son, His Girlfriend

She says: "My friends think we should have done it by now."
Your son replies: "They don't know what's best for us. You should care more about what I think." (Or, "And I'm not dating them, I'm dating you.")

She says: "If you loved me you'd want to do it."
Your son replies: "It's because I love you that I can be honest with you and tell you I'm not ready to have sex yet."

She says: "Most guys would die to sleep with me."
Your son replies: "Look, it is hard for me to resist. And you need to do what you need to do. But all I can tell you is I'm just not ready."

Scenario #4: The Last Word, for Everybody

The partner says: "Let's have sex."
Your teen: "I'm just not ready. But when I am, you'll be the second to know."