8 Upsides of Vacationing on an Island with Your MIL

Truth be told, spending spring break in Florida has got to be the best idea we've had in years. I don't know why we didn't do this sooner!* And my fabulous in-laws let us bunk with them while we are here, which is free! This is almost like eating a whole triple chocolate mousse layered cake with fudge frosting, real whipped cream and a cherry on top. I bet you can't wait to hear ALL the details. What? Sarcasm? I never.

The truth is, my in-laws really are fabulous for letting us stay with them and I don't want to get all gushy, but my MIL is super kind and generous. And she's wildly versatile - she's like a cross between Mary Poppins and Annie Wilkes. I don't know how she pulls it off. But anyway, on with the list.

Upside #1:  The towels. Aren't these dainty little bath towels just darling? We use these teeny tiny towels to dry off after our showers. Confused, I held one up to myself and asked my hubby, "What the hell is this?" It turns out he grew up with only hand towels to dry with - no full size bath towels. So this is all anyone needs at MIL's house. A little freaky, but super cute! 

Upside #2:  The warmth and sunshine. Duh, we live in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Need I say more? It rained a bit today, but at near 80 degrees it still seemed perfect. I should mention that while we've been here it has been below freezing and snowing back home. Ick! Do we have to go home?

No seriously, do we?

Upside #3:   Sleeping on a bed that feels like a board. (I'm terribly unskilled at getting a good night's sleep away from home.) I think this ultra-firmness is supposed to be good for my spine. Or maybe my posture? I mean, my back hurts like I'm an 80 year old furniture mover and I'm pretty sure the bed left a splinter in my shoulder, but you know that wise old saying. No pain, no gain!

Upside #4:  Fishing with the kids off the pier on the bay side of the island. And the resident crane hanging around waiting for handouts. It's beautiful and tranquil and truly relaxing.

Upside #5:  The brilliantly spotless white accommodations. It is like, the most calming experience to stay in a perfectly clean condo, and I mean not a spot of dirt or food or sand ANYWHERE. All 4 boys are really digging it. We keep dainty little hand towels on the chairs, and sheets on the couches, and try not to touch anything with our grubby hands. We make a little game out of it called, "place your bets on which boy will stain the white carpet under the dinner table first." And in the mornings we line the boys up for, "whose fingerprints match these smudges on the wall?"

Upside #6:  The beach on the Gulf coast! Beautiful white sand and tropical water. Swimming with rays and building sand castles with the kids. Paradise.

Upside #7:  The peaceful silence we are striving for. So the residents here like it quiet, and I mean really, no sounds at all like during administration of the GRE. Our boys are not super skilled at playing without making sounds. To be more honest they totally suck at being quiet. Their strength is yelling their heads off at a volume that is easily heard a block away. So we are shushing them pretty much constantly and reminding them not to stomp their feet on the neighbor's ceiling, or bang on the neighbor's walls. Luckily we have an adult allocated to each kid, so we can pair up and follow them around shushing them all day long. It's a hoot! They must think we've lost our minds.

Upside #8:  My MIL is great with kids. And we desperately need a babysitter, perhaps 4 of them. She keeps them in line and plays games with them and goes out of her way to make sure they have fun. Lucky kids and lucky mom!

Playing cards while waiting for a fish

That's it for now, but there are sure to be a couple more blogs coming out of this trip. I haven't even touched on our favorite activities yet! Stay tuned...

*Come to think of it I do know why it's our first time traveling to Florida with the kids. See my tips on air travel if you are curious.

6 Tips to Get Through Airport Security with Kids

So this is a blog about what not to do when traveling by air with kids - specifically 4 boys under age 12. Truth be told, most parents would have the good sense not to fly with these guys at all. Or at least have the forethought, planning and luck to do it more smoothly. But those parents' blogs would be too boring to read. These blunders are creating memories, right?

Mistake #1: Assuming your hub remembers the ins and outs of the airport from his frequent flyer, business traveler days. And assuming he'll know exactly where to park to get through VIP security in lightening speed when you are inevitably running late.
Reality? Hubby will have to circle around the parking lot and look at several maps to refresh his memory. The clock will be ticking with merely minutes until the flight boards. You will begin panicking and breaking into a sweat. The 4 boy-monkeys will be giving each other nervous looks like, "what have we gotten into? have mom and dad completely blown it?"

Mistake #2: Telling the kids to take off their shoes while waiting in line for security. Kids under 12 don't have to take their shoes off, you would know that if you read the sign. And do you know what 4 boys do with their shoes when idly holding them in their hands? Throw them at each other of course. This is frowned upon at the "super-savvy fliers" security checkpoint. And then the little darlings will hold up the line because they each have to put their stinky shoes back on their monkey feet.

Mistake #3: Letting a 6 year old pack his own backpack. What in tarnation could a 6 year old pack that would hold up a security line? Bubble soap. Yep, he packed a bottle of bubble soap and sidewalk chalk a friend gave him. I thought this was slightly cute - but TSA was not so amused.

Mistake #4: Assuming the 11 year old has his cell phone in his backpack, because you told him to put it in his backpack. He'll have it in his pocket, of course. Holding up the line again. Cute? Not so much.

Mistake #5: Expecting young ones to pull luggage with wheels through the airport. When a family of 6 is rushing through the airport with minutes remaining before boarding their flight, the kids suddenly get very tired and weepy. Luckily in situations like this we moms get superhuman strength and can balance 23 bags on our heads while carrying 2 children. Classic mom-becomes-pack-mule scenario. You know you've done this too.

Mistake #6: Letting your guard down. Because as soon as you think you have made it to your tropical destination safely and you pause to breathe in the warm air, one of your kids won't make it on the airport tram with the rest of the family. If you are extremely lucky, you will notice this blunder just as the doors are closing and have the quick reflex to stick your winter-plumped booty into the sliding doors to jam them open. Phew! Disaster averted by overindulgence in Christmas cookies.


By now I've probably used up my allotment of luck for the whole trip, so I'm really watching my backside. I recommend unwinding by drinking a glass of wine and blogging. It's kinda curative.

Good luck on your adventures, share you mistakes if you're brave enough to reveal em!

How Long can We Postpone Awkward?

Truth be told, we'd postpone the awkward sex talk with our oldest until he's beyond drinking age if we could. The school is pushing us off the cliff on this one.

So this week the 5th graders have sex education at school. Can you imagine sitting down with not just your own 11 year old, but a whole room full of them, and explaining sex in graphic detail? I cannot. And that's probably why I haven't fulfilled my parental duty on this topic. Plus there are at least another 101 reasons I can pop off, just off the top of my head:

• He's only 11!
• He can't even watch PG-13 movies without an adult.
• He's not in puberty.
• He only thinks about video games and building robots. (When his robots start having sex we'll talk to him, I promise.)
• Aren't boys supposed to have the sex talk with their dads?
• Wouldn't it make more sense to have sex ed. after he's actually started thinking about sex? (I will know when he starts thinking about sex - I change his sheets.)

Of course I know there are responsible parents out there who feel it's important to discuss sex with kids before they start thinking about it and hear about it elsewhere. Because we want them to get the truth from us first. But I say smother them with family values, religion and fear. Then we'll put them in a bubble without internet, and surround the bubble with eagle-eye chaperons and bright lights. Problem solved.

And how about this:

Family values like, you can't be a good father in a family if you haven't got a decent career path. No sex until you are finished with college!

Religious values like, God says no sex until you are married. And if you disobey God on this one, he might punish you by making you unable to have sex forever. You just never know what God might do - don't test him.

Fear of diseases, including side effects like death, dismemberment and permanent paralysis. I read on the internet that you can end up with a total-body maggot-infestation. (My sources are confidential.)

I just don't buy into the philosophy of "education over fear" when it comes to sex and teens. When hormones rev up, no amount of education is going to dissuade most of them. Fear tactics might be shameful, but they also might be more effective. 

To appease the intellectuals, I'll get behind the value of a thoughtful education. Like teaching your kids actions, ideas and words to get out of "doing it".  (see below)

So that's settled. No sex for anyone. Well. No one under the age of 21. No... 25. I'll draw up specific terms of the contract tomorrow.



Here are some great conversation starters and ideas - kudos to Family Circle for this article.

Scenario #1: Your Daughter, Her Boyfriend

He says: "If you really loved me, you'd have sex with me."
She responds: "If you loved me, you wouldn't push me to do something I don't feel comfortable doing yet."

He says: "Everybody's doing it."
She responds: "No, they're not. It just seems like it because they talk about it to impress their friends and fit in. The majority aren't doing it."

He says: "I'll die if I don't have sex."
She responds: "No, you won't. People live for years without having sex." (Or, "Well, you seem to have lived just fine up until now without sex.")

He says: "Have sex with me or I'll find someone else who will."
She responds: "Now I know how little you care about me."

Scenario #2: Your Son's Overly Enthusiastic Male Peers

His friends say: "You still haven't had sex? There must be something wrong with you."
Your son answers: "What's the big rush? It'll happen when it happens."

His friends say: "You don't want to get laid? You must be a wimp."
Your son answers: "I'm just not into doing things because everyone else thinks I should or because they have. That's being a wimp."

His friends say: "Sex is fun! Go for it!"
Your son answers: "A few minutes of pleasure are not worth 18 years of responsibility."

His friends say: "You're missing out."
Your son answers: "I already have acne; I don't need herpes."

Scenario #3: Your Son, His Girlfriend

She says: "My friends think we should have done it by now."
Your son replies: "They don't know what's best for us. You should care more about what I think." (Or, "And I'm not dating them, I'm dating you.")

She says: "If you loved me you'd want to do it."
Your son replies: "It's because I love you that I can be honest with you and tell you I'm not ready to have sex yet."

She says: "Most guys would die to sleep with me."
Your son replies: "Look, it is hard for me to resist. And you need to do what you need to do. But all I can tell you is I'm just not ready."

Scenario #4: The Last Word, for Everybody

The partner says: "Let's have sex."
Your teen: "I'm just not ready. But when I am, you'll be the second to know."

Summer is Looming

Heaven help us - the summer camps catalogs have already arrived. Truth be told, I don't much look forward to summer. As a whole it's a lovely time to be outdoors, get sandy and sticky, and indulge in fleeting warm weather fun. But the daily details are overwhelming. Why? Well, it's clearly because I have too many kids and I'm not naturally a drill sergeant. How easy do you think it is to schedule team sport practices, games, camps, daily meals and 101 lessons for 4 boys? It's not easy. I need spreadsheets and mileage/driving time conversion charts. Most days it feels like a total mess. Before you say, "she made her bed!" (which is entirely accurate) let me back up a bit with a short barrage of historical of excuses.

Let's flip the couches over and
turn the whole living room into a fort!

I admit I do tend to have amnesia. As recently as Monday I was thinking "Eh, we don't need so many camps this summer. We'll go to the lake and we'll fish and just hang out with friends." Then came Tuesday - first SNOW DAY in history Tuesday. Tuesday will forever be known as the day that shocked all parents into desperate gratitude for the normally dependable operation of the public schools. What do you do with a snow day? Start by forgetting about everything you were looking forward to getting done that day. Go ahead and try to force your kids outside to enjoy the last big snow, but they'll just keep coming back in like squeaky little boomerangs.

First I'll cover the kitchen with coloring papers.

My expectations for parenthood were a little off as well. Before I had kids, I thought summers for my kids would be similar to my summers when I was a kid. I was home all day, bored out of my cut-offs and playing quietly outside in the dirt, exploring the town with whatever scrappy neighbors were around. If I was lucky I got to go to one camp during the summer. ONE CAMP. I actually held onto this fantasy of a lazy and bored summer for years, being intentionally oblivious to the ways of 21st century parents.

And then I'll cover the living room with towers.

In the 21st century, our kids must be stacked with activities. If they aren't? Well, they'll drive us crazy at home because in the 21st century it isn't safe for kids to spend the day outside exploring the town with their buddies. What if they do roam the neighborhood with their buddies? And what if they don't participate in all those camps? They are missing out. They'll get into trouble. They will fall behind their peers. Slacker parent apocalypse! Sigh.




So I'm caving in and carefully planning and coordinated schedules. But I do still hope to squeeze in a little time for making sand castles and listening to the waves at the lake. I'm sure there must be a camp called Mom Reads a Book on the Beach offered somewhere. It better not already be full when I find it.

Back in the Saddle

Truth be told, it feels really good to get back into blogging. We've passed that 4 months of winter milestone in Minnesota, and we're all getting a little punchy.

A brief chronology of my 6 months of slacking on the blog:

• In September I got sucked back into that mom, tutor, piano teacher, cook, housekeeper gig. BORING.
• In October I morphed into the costume maker, pumpkin carver, tutor, clean-the-damn-house-again mom-monster. I pondered the possibility of blogging about the costume making adventure, but instead I just posted a pic of the finished product on Facebook, poured myself a glass of wine, put my feet up and called it a day. 
• I can't lie, in November I just ate every single savory morsel I could get my hands on. And of course the tutor, music teacher, clean-AGAIN gig didn't go away. 
• In December I ate every single sweet morsel I could lay my hands on. Best. Month. Ever. 
• January is when the crap really flew all over because I discovered my clothes were too tight and I still don't have a real job. So I let my hub talk me into designing a website and launching a Kickstarter campaign for his little brainchild invention. Since I know nothing about videography, marketing and sales, it seemed an opportune moment to humiliate myself. Next time I'll tell him to get lost and just hire someone. 
• In February I was still slaving away on the brainchild, but I did manage to get back on the elliptical machine just enough to squeeze back into my pants.

So now it's March and almost SPRING! Florida here we come. (If they could just quit it with the sinkhole news story because that craziness is freaking me out.) Anyway, I'm devoting March to blogging again because it make ME feel good.

This morning we made the best cinnamon roll cake ever. I think I'll call it Poor-Mama-Needs-a-Pill Cake. Or maybe Cabin-Fever-Monkeys-Can't-Ruin-My-Blissful-Sugar-Coma Cake. Whatever, I'll work on the name. It's tasty like my Grandma's magical cinnamon rolls, but I didn't have to do all that tedious nonsense to make it. You know:  roll it flat, spread it out, top it, roll it up, slice it, put it in the pan, then clean up a huge mess for what feels like an eternity? Instead I plopped the ingredients in the bread maker and that magic machine made the dough. The kids dumped the dough in the pan and did the rest. Barely a mess and tasty perfection in a sugar coated buttery dough!
(It's a yeast dough, so it has to rise for about half an eternity. But it's easy to wait - just put on the new Taylor Swift album and dance around in your bathrobe while you're waiting.)

Mama Needs a Buttery Sugar Bomb Cake

Ingredients
1 cup milk
2 1/4 tsp yeast
1 tsp sugar
2 beaten eggs
1/2 cup sugar
1/3 cup melted butter (+another 1/3 cup later)
1 tsp salt
4 cups flour (use white flour for heaven's sake - you only live once)
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 cup sugar
1/3 cup melted butter

11x17 glass pan
baking spray

350º for 22 minutes

Directions
Get out the bread maker and press buttons until it's ready to make dough. If you don't have a bread maker then use whatever you've got. A stand mixer is awesome. A bowl and spoon will work, I guess.
Heat milk in microwave for 1 minute. whisk in yeast and sugar. Wait about 5 minutes for the yeast to proof. Put eggs, sugar, butter, salt and flour into bread maker. When the yeasty milk is ready, add it to the bread maker and power it up. After about 5 minutes of kneading, the dough is ready, so take out the bread maker pan and pop it in the oven to rise for an hour. Just put a towel over it and lay it on it's side. 


After the dough rises, get the kids to spray the pan, dump in the dough and spread it out with their hands.

Cover the dough with all the sugar and cinnamon, then pour the melted butter over it all.

This part is important, but does require some supervision.
Give the kids butter knives and forks and let them go to town on that cake. They can cut it up, poke holes in it, whatever. Just try to keep most of it in the pan.
Now cover with a towel and let the pan rise in the oven for 45 minutes.

Now it's finally ready to bake. 350º for 22 minutes. The center should be a little gooey when it cools. That's part of the buttery sugarbomb experience. And yeast bread is worth the wait!

Our sugarbomb has a sinkhole!